Characters
Bert, the light inspector
Jane, a minister

The scene: A church, with lights full on.

Props: Dimming lights
Lit Christmas tree
Lit wall-mounted cross
Clipboard
Torch

Enter Bert, carrying a clipboard while striding around church looking at different light fittings, and Jane, tagging along behind looking harassed.

Bert: Hmm. So you’re trying to tell me that your congregation has never, ever had its lights inspected???

Jane: Well, yes. … No. Erm, not exactly.

Bert: Dear, dear, dear! Have you absolutely no idea how important the periodic checking of lights is in a designated place of public worship?

Jane: Oh, goodness. Well, yes, I’m sure it is important. Only we never really thought about it.

Bert: Never really thought about it? Never really thought about it? Honestly, if I had a pound for every time I’ve heard that line, I would be a very rich man.

Jane: [Under her breath] As well as being a rather annoying and aggressive one.

Bert: What was that?

Jane: Oh nothing. No, no. Nothing at all. Pray continue.

Bert: As I was saying … We in the “Bulb, Incandescent Tube, Diode Illumination Monitoring Department” (or “BITDIM” for short) are often the last people churches expect to see casting a dutiful eye over their newly opened properties.

Jane: Gracious me, I can’t imagine why. So tell me: just why are you interested in our church building?

Bert: Interested in it? That’s simple. You see, my office is responsible for making sure there’s not too much light around. Dreadful light, seeping into our lives, causing glaring unpleasantness and radiant misery. Yeuch! It’s far better to keep things nice and dark.

Jane: Well, I’m really not sure that I can agree with you on that one.

Bert: Agree? Agree? What makes you think that the “Bulb, Incandescent Tube, Diode Illumination Monitoring Department” requires your agreement? Our motto says it all: “BITDIM: taking people back to the dark ages.” Snappy, don’t you think?

Jane: As lines go, it’s certainly very bright.

Bert: Oh no madam, we don’t go in for “very bright”. Our aim is to be as dim as possible.

Jane: Well, you certainly seem very dim to me, I must say.

Bert: Oh, thank you madam. Now, to this church of yours. I see you have some ceiling-mounted light fittings. Do they have dimmer switches, I wonder?

Jane: They certainly do. Just watch this. [Lights dim very low]

Bert: Oh, tut tut tut! It seems to have stopped dimming.

Jane: But any lower and there would be no light at all.

Bert: Exactly, and that’s their only shortcoming! Still, I suppose that – grudgingly, mind – I have to pass them for public dimness. Keep your lights at that level and everyone will be happy.

Jane: Well, you will, you mean.

Bert: Correct. When it comes to matters of public light emission and incandescent pollution, I am the appointed arbiter of taste and decency.

Jane: More’s the pity.

Bert: Let us move on, shall we?

Jane: If we must.

Bert: What about that there Christmas tree? A touch on the bright side, isn’t it?

Jane: A touch on the bright side? A touch on the bright side? It’s a Christmas tree for goodness sake. It’s supposed to be bright. That’s why people have them in their homes each dark December. We’d all look pretty stupid if we didn’t put lights on our Christmas trees. Can you imagine it?: – “My darling, isn’t the tree looking lovely and drab this year?”

Bert: As a matter of fact, my wife was saying that to me only this very afternoon.

Jane: Why does that not surprise me?

Bert: Anyway, I will let you keep your Christmas tree if you promise to replace the white bulbs … with black ones.

Jane: Black tree lights? But that’s ludicrous. Look, maybe we can compromise. How about yellow?

Bert: Midnight blue.

Jane: Violet?

Bert: Chocolate brown.

Jane: Purple?

Bert: Charcoal grey, and that’s my final offer.

Jane: Honestly, I just don’t understand where you’re coming from.

Bert: I, madam, am coming from the “Bulb, Incandescent Tube, Diode Illumination Monitoring Department”: where dullness is a virtue.

Jane: I don’t know about it being “a virtue”, though it certainly seems to be a job requirement. What else do you want to see?

Bert: That cross. It looks highly suspicious.

Jane: As you can see, the cross has a backlight which, I might add, is turn-off-and-onable.

Bert: In that case, I’ll be licensing it to operate according to a strictly non-lucent protocol with grade zero luminescence.

Jane: I beg your pardon?

Bert: You’ve got to keep it turned off, madam. We can’t have nasty, ghastly light emanating from a cross, of all things. After all, the cross is a universally recognised symbol of death and destruction, a device of torture and execution, don’t you know. It simply wouldn’t do to have it casting horrible, penetrating light in all directions. People would get the wrong impression. And at Christmas time as well. What would folk think?

Jane: They might just think that behind the darkness and despair of the cross is light, and hope and love. For Christmas. For all the year. For all of life.

Bert: Don’t make me laugh! What kind of a message is that for Christmas? You’ll be telling me next that the light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it. I’ve come across your sort before. Weird. Unnatural. Perverse.

Jane: Not at all. Actually, the church is what you might call a torchbearer for the light [picking up torch and shining it towards Bert], helping God reach into all the darkest corners of life. Shedding light that disperses fear. Giving brightness where all around is gloomy. What do you make of that?

Bert: I’ll tell you what I make of that: it makes me … it makes me … incandescent with rage.

[Bert exits, shielding his eyes]

Jane: Hmm. Once again then, the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

[Jane exits to piano music]

Copyright © 2006 by Robin Hill. This sketch may be distributed, adapted and used by churches, on the understanding that a donation (as generous as you like) to Christian Aid be made by congregations when a performance is given.

If you use the sketch, have fun, and let me know how it goes!

All the best,

Robin

The Rev Dr Robin Hill
The Manse
8A Elcho Road
Longniddry
East Lothian
EH32 0LB
Scotland

robin.hill@homecall.co.uk