Open with theme tune .JACKANORY. When I was young that was always the time for a story.. .so I am going to tell you a story and let’s see how many TV ADDICTS we have here.

This story begins with a COUNTDOWN or in the ancient times a census. Mary and Joseph had to go from TOWN TO TOWN, Nazareth to Bethlehem.

Now it was a FAMILY AFFAIR because Mary was expecting a baby. It was a long journey and no HOLIDAY

Tired and weary they arrived at Bethlehem. They trailed round and round and although everything was OPEN ALL HOURS and they were willing to pay THE BILL there was no room. Eventually they found a kind innkeeper who had a stable. There was a hole in the roof as he had not been able to find BOB THE BUILDER.

Soon the baby arrived. There were no FRIENDS or
NEIGHBOURS.., in fact no CASUALTY or FLYING
DOCTORS, but Jesus was born and a HEARTBEAT
was heard.

Now in the fields similar to EMMERDALE there were shepherds. Suddenly they heard SONGS OF PRAISE. They said HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU and the shepherds set out on their journey.
And from the EASTEND(ERS) there were wise men who saw a STAR FOR A NIGHT. So they began their STAR TREK, bearing gifts.

And now AS TIME GOES BY we realise the importance of his birth It’s no BIG BROTHER but a loving Father.
WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE when we have the love that no money can buy!!

First of all the story concerns a couple, called Mary and Joseph. Now she was no BARBIE DOLL and he was no ACTION MAN. Ordinary people, in fact Joseph was more like BOB THE BUILDER, for he was a carpenter and always in need of TOOLS and Mary like girls of her age no doubt helped with her KITCHEN TOOLS. However they were going to have a BABY. But before that happened, they had to make a journey. Everyone was to be counted, no CALCULATORS, go to a place to be REGISTERED. No BOATS, PLANES, CARS, but a DONKEY, like MY LITTLE PONY. Place was called Bethlehem, lots of HOUSES but all full, until given a STABLE. It was DRAUGHTY,some BRICKS missing, but it was where Jesus was born. Now there were SHEPHERDS and wise men with gifts of GOLD FRANK. AND MYRRH. You could feel the power, JEDI of the love for the WHOLE WORLD.

OFF-SIDE, in another country, three wise men see a star. They are waiting for the sign that a king has been born.
‘ALBERTZ you all a gold coin that’s the sign’ they said. ‘Let’s go! ALBION on our way to see a king.’.
And so they travelled. FORFAR they were from being ATHLETIC, it was all ACADEMICAL to them. They moved out along LOVE STREET, through WHITE HART LANE, and down ELLAND ROAD. They had a quick cup of tea in CRAVEN COTTAGE before crossing STAMFORD BRIDGE.
Then they hurried on camels along THE RIVERSIDE and through THE HAWTHORNES, shaking animals from their DENS right across the VALLEY.
The Novo star led them to Herod, THE PLAYER OF THE YEAR, to ask him should they look for the king in a CRYSTAL PLACE or a TYNE –E-CASTLE. He played DIRTY and tried to FOUL them.
As they approached the stable, their backs were AITKEN from all the travelling. They tied their camels MCLEISH to a post so that they would MCSTAY put!
They went FORWARD, praising God and wanting to tell everyone what had happened because their HEARTS were on fire. God and MAN UNITED at last. Sin had met its MATCH. At peace with God, humans could TRANSFER to heaven if they followed the King down EASTER ROAD and then took their vows to be a CHRISTIAN DAILLY.

We gather to hear once more the age-old Christmas Story – otherwise known as God’s Love Story.

A GUY NAMED JOE was engaged to Mary, THE PASSION of his life. “IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE” he was often heard to say. Mary was expecting a very special child according to the angel. Gabriel had appeared to her ONE FINE DAY, nearly scaring THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS out of her, but telling her that she was to name her special child Jesus, which means Saviour.

“You must have a BRAVEHEART, Mary, for he will bring you both AGONY & ECSTASY. DELIVERANCE is THE MISSION he will be entrusted with.”

A MISSION IMPOSSIBLE, it seemed to Mary for his job was not only SAVING PRIVATE RYAN but ALL CREATURES GREAT & SMALL –THE LONG, THE SHORT & THE TALL – even THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY.

When Mary’s time was near, she & Joseph had to make a Journey to the Centre of the Earth – otherwise known as Bethlehem – for that is where they had to register as part of the Emperor’s census. The town was busy and every HOLIDAY INN was full – even HEARTBREAK HOTEL. All they could find was a lowly stable.

“I would so liked to have had a Room with a View” said Mary, the Mummy to be.
“Well, this is As Good as it Gets” replied Joseph.

And so after A HARD DAY’S NIGHT, a CRY IN THE DARK heralded the Birth of the BABE –A MAN FOR ALL SEASONS – THE MAN WHO WOULD BE KING.

Meanwhile, out on the hills, WUTHERING HEIGHTS they called it, some shepherds were looking after their sheep. ALL WAS QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT for The Big Sleep had overtaken most of them. However THE DREAM TEAM were suddenly roused from their slumbers by THE SOUND OF MUSIC. One after the other let out a SHREK or a SCREAM as the night sky was filled with HEAVENLY CREATURES singing praises to God. No, it wasn’t CHARLIE’S ANGELS – it was Gabriel’s Angels. SPELLBOUND they listened to the wonderful news that a special baby had been born that night in Bethlehem – a Saviour who was to be Christ the Lord.

“Let’s go & find this MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET in Bethlehem” they cried. And WITH GREAT EXPECTATIONS, FOOTLOOSE, they were GONE WITH THE WIND. And when they found Mary & Joseph & the baby, just as the angels had said, they went back to their sheep SINGIN’ IN THE RAIN, despite the weather.
FAR FROM THE MADDING CROWD, in a land EAST OF EDEN, there were Three Wise Men. They were wise in the sense that they were experts at studying the night sky & therefore in no need of “THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY”. Scanning the heavens they spotted something unusual.

“A STAR IS BORN” said one.
“This signals the birth of a new King” said the second.
“We must go and worship him,” said THE THIRD MAN.

Coming from the east, their INCREDIBLE JOURNEY took them first NORTH BY NORTHWEST, before their STAR TREK finally took them to King Herod in Jerusalem.

Now Herod was a bit of a PSYCHO. Surrounded by his MEN IN BLACK, news of a JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR was not something he welcomed gladly. There was no way he would relinquish THE POWER AND THE GLORY as king. As a man of PRIDE & PREJUDICE as well as a man of SECRET & LIES, he told the Magi falsely that he wanted to go & worship the baby too when they found him.

After this BRIEF Encounter the SEARCHERS set off again until the THE STAR eventually brought them to Bethlehem and to Mary & Joseph & the Christ Child. Offering the Baby Jesus their gifts of GOLD & myrrh & frankincense, they knelt down to worship him. And what a nice picture it was of 3 MEN AND A BABY.

Warned then in a dream that Herod was capable of all manner of EVIL UNDER THE SUN and that he intended being TERMINATOR rather than Worshipper, the wise men took THE LONG WAY HOME by a different route.

And to avoid their CLEAR & PRESENT DANGER, Mary & Joseph made their GREAT ESCAPE to Egypt where they stayed BRINGING UP BABY until Herod died & it was safe to return to Nazareth.

And so Jesus grew up to fulfil his Mission he was no ACCIDENTAL HERO. His talk of God & THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN made a DEEP IMPACT. He chose A FEW GOOD MEN (and women) and showed himself as THE MIRACLE MAKER, reaching out to include THE UNTOUCHABLES & the UNFORGIVEN. But it was following his RESURRECTION after THE LONG GOOD FRIDAY that he became KING OF KINGS and LORD – NOT OF THE RINGS – but of HEAVEN AND EARTH, promising us also the way FROM HERE TO ETERNITY!

Now that indeed is THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD!