Christmas breakfast sketch
By Robin Hill

 Characters Val, a wife

Jim, a husband

The scene A breakfast table, with two chairs.

 Enter Val and Jim in night attire, yawning and scratching their heads, Jim carrying a breakfast tray set with two plates, two spoons, sugar, milk, rack of toast, butter and honey and two mugs of coffee; Val carrying the morning’s post. They sit at the table, facing each other, with the tray between them.

Jim: [Nodding] Darling.

Val: [Nodding] Dearest.

Jim: [Offering coffee] Petal?

Val: [Taking coffee and offering toast] Beloved?

Jim: [Offering sugar] Sugar?

Val: [Taking sugar for coffee, and offering honey] Honey?

Jim: Just look at all that mail!

Val: And first thing in the morning too.

Jim: You know, I pity those poor creatures in Longniddry who only get their delivery half way through the day.

Val: Oh, the very thought. It must be ghastly.

Jim: Quite so! And here we are at breakfast time with the day’s selection of Christmas mail before us already. Let’s see what’s in store for us today, shall we darling?

Val: Oh yes! Let’s, darling!

Jim: [opening first envelope] What have we here then? Ah, fancy that:

“Deck the halls with broadband access,
Fa-la-la-la-lah, la-lah lah lah!
’tis the season to ditch faxes,
Fa-la-la-la-lah, la-lah lah lah!
Fit the modem, load the plug-ins,
Fa-la-lah, la-la-lah, lah lah lah!
Surf with speed, don’t be a muggins,

Fa-la-la-la-lah, la-lah lah lah!  ”

Val: What an unusual Christmas greeting.

Jim: Yes, and there’s more written underneath. “You know you want the best for your PC, so ring me this Christmas and I’ll offer a very, very special deal, just for you.”

Val: Who’s it from?

Jim: Your sister.

Val: She always did have a way with words. [Reaching for another card, and opening it.] Now, what have we here? Oh I say, it’s from Derek and Edna, how lovely:

“May Santa’s little helpers
work their socks off every day,
to guarantee that all the finest gifts
will come your way.

A Rolex watch, some caviar,
a gite in the Dordoigne,
A case of finest pink champagne,
a country club to join.

A silver Merc upon the drive,
a yacht moored in the bay,
A cosy little second home,
where you can hide away.

Whatever gifts are yours this year,
We hope that you will find,
That Christmas is a time of year,
When other folk are kind.”

Jim: What a lovely sentiment. Who sent that one?

Val: Your independent financial adviser. He adds the rather touching message: “Remember, it is better to receive than to give – though if you must give, remember the tax breaks.”

Jim: Ever the caring, thoughtful individual. OK then … [opening the third card] here’s another, this time from … well, I never. I do believe I’ll sing this one:

[Jim singing solo]

God rest you merry, gentlemen,
may happiness take hold,
Let’s eat ourselves quite senseless
with provisions hot and cold.
There’s turkey roasts with cranb’ry sauce,
and pies too big to hold,

[Val joining in]
Oh tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy,
Oh tidings of comfort and joy.

[Jim singing solo]

Then when you think it’s over,
you’ll have coffee with “The Queen”,
Some Christmas cake, an After Eight,
and more (it’s quite obscene!).
At five o’clock it’s teatime
Though you couldn’t eat a bean.
[Val joining in]
Oh tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy,
Oh tidings of comfort and joy.

[Jim singing solo]

Let’s lose those inhibitions
for this very special day,
Let out your belt, take in more grub,
Keep peckishness at bay,
You’ll need those extra calories
(At least ’til Boxing Day!)
[Val joining in]
Oh tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy,
Oh tidings of comfort and joy.

Val: Truly charming, I must say. And what is the greeting?

Jim: [Reading] Looking forward to seeing you this Christmas. From Alan, Lesley, Gus, Iain and all at … the Village Delicatessen.

Val: Oh, they are so thoughtful, aren’t they? My turn once more [opening letter]: How wonderful. It’s cousin Jennifer’s Christmas circular. Always a highlight!

Jim: [Appalled] For the criminally insane.

Val: Oh come now, Jim, let’s hear what the family have been up to.

Jim: As if we couldn’t guess.

Val: Dear Associates …

Jim: That’s friendly.

Val: 2006 has been another first class year for the five of us, with much to report.

Jim: I was afraid of that.

Val: Our customary New Year ski trip to …

Jim: Aviemore, by any chance? Glenshee? Hillfoot?

Val: Val d’Isère.

Jim: Oh, Val d’Isère! Why didn’t I guess? Pray continue.

Val: Our customary New Year ski trip to Val d’Isère had to be cut short, as Xanthe …

Jim: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzanthe, spelled with an “X” …

Val: … had been selected [impressed] for the British under-15s beach volleyball team, competing in the World Championships in …

Jim: Dunoon? Arbroath? Port Seton?

Val: Bondi Beach, actually.

Jim: Oh, Bondi Beach, of course. Silly me.

Val: Modesty forbids reporting on the outcome, but suffice it to say that Xanthe is now known to her classmates at St Winifred’s School for the Congenitally Gifted as …

Jim: “… Xanthe, the golden girl”. How very original.

Val: Meanwhile, Jasper’s musical career progressed well. He was appointed principal cor anglais with the Symphony Orchestra of Europe.

Jim: Not bad for a 10-year-old.

Val: Don’t be ridiculous, darling. … He’s 12.

Jim: My, how time flies.

Val: Jocasta’s Swedish nanny, Lillia, returned home to complete her degree in brain surgery, but was replaced by a real darling. Astrud is teaching Jocasta Portuguese, so now she is able to ask for her wholemeal, organic rusk in any one of three European languages.

Jim: I think I’m losing the will to live.

Val: February! …

Jim: Enough! Eeeeenough! I can’t take any more of these dreadful letters. In fact, I can’t help thinking that there’s something missing in all this Christmas mail. [Standing, looking longingly into the distance] Something which, years gone by, we used to take for granted, yet something which has been covered over, and forgotten in all the commercialism, and presents, and food, and drink, and prestige of today’s Christmas season. There’s something missing. Something bright, and happy, and hopeful.

Val: Oh, but that’s easy, darling. I know what’s missing from Christmas. I know that something which you miss so much from your childhood: that bright and happy and hopeful something from years gone by. Why … it’s Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer!

[Exeunt to piano music]

 Copyright © 2006 by Robin Hill. This sketch may be distributed, adapted and used by churches, on the understanding that a donation (as generous as you like) to Christian Aid be made by congregations when a performance is given.

If you use the sketch, have fun, and let me know how it goes!

All the best,

Robin

The Rev Dr Robin Hill

The Manse, 8A Elcho Road, Longniddry, East Lothian, EH32 0LB, Scotland

robin.hill@homecall.co.uk